my review of the youtube video “tails happy meal 2”

or what i will do for a 50 dollar skateboard

i started skateboarding at 6. i looked up very hard to the block kids on the burnout path as a young dude w/ a bowl cut and a rat tail, and took to following them to the local curbs and 2 stairs (and listening to limp bizkit) on my dads nash predator. as i got older my participation in skating (and limp bizkit)  would ebb and flow, but i would always come back for a few months here and there. 

even when i wasn’t skating as much (or not at all), the value system i picked up from skating has been a defining part of my upbringing. an ability to try to redefine the world around you has probably been the quality i’ve guided myself by most, and i can attribute that 100% to watching fat matt ollie a 2 stair outside the church my dad worked at. 

i met ____ for the first time initially off a graffiti message board (back when meeting people off the internet was insanely lame). we clicked up immediately because we were both white trash nerds. he was getting flowed boards by sub zero and would always lace me with gently used ones for free (which i would then use to do the slobbiest front 50’s on a foot high bench at swarthmore train station). 

so long story short, i’m low on funds after getting my hours cut at work and the board i pulled out of my moms storage unit is getting pretty thrashed. being low on dough, i figured i’d hit up _____ (who never stopped skating) to see if he had a board i could scoop. he did. 

“watch the following video, give me a brief synppsis and 50 bucks and you can have it.” 

“brief but thorough.”

he shot me a link to what appeared to be a mcdonald’s commercial, but upon closer inspection is a short film made by a lunatic. my commentary is as follows:

i’m going to describe the opening shot in detail to give you an idea of the production quality im writing about: 

in a poorly lit room resembling a Scandinavian jail cell the camera pans over a box of kleenex kept suspiciously on the bedside table to a bed in full sonic the hedgehog branded sheets. the presumable owner of the sheets is moving a tails doll underneath a blanket back and forth to approximate snoring. a voiceover loudly snorts in your ear. they definitely do not have a pop screen on the microphone. although the dialogue and background changes (somewhat) it never deviates from this overall feeling.

the “puppeteer” (or something?! what do i call a person who shakes stuffed animals in front of an iphone) is clearly operating without a set script. each line of dialogue is easily a paragraph. even as simple a concept as “i’m hungry” or “can i have a happy meal” (i’ll touch on this later- it’s the plot of the film) becomes “QUIET STOMACH. SHUT UPPP. it’s NIGHTtime. NOOOO STOMACH. DONT be HUNGRYYY” 

or

“SONICC can i PLEAAASE have a HAPPY MEEAALL i promise to SHARE WITH knucklesANDamyAND” 

the dialogue is loudly whispered into a mic (i think to approximate screaming in a “lights out at sundown” kinda house) which gives you a disorienting ASMRish feeling that lasts the entire film. occasionally and without warning they will escalate to actual screaming, only to go back to whisper screaming at the next cut.

they also have a voice that cracks at the same places in their sentences with an eerie consistency. they sound almost like a siren (the one on a fire truck not the mythological ones). constant cascading up and down.

there is music, and the director does a good job of setting the mood with it. what the director DOESNT do a good job of is using audio longer then 15 seconds, so the same clip is just looped for whatever length of time the scene calls for (which is like 25 seconds usually, so i don’t fault him for cutting this particular corner).

the plot is as follows: 

tails (from the “sonic” series of vidya games and memorabilia by SEGA) is asleep in bed (see initial paragraph). he is awoken by his stomach rumbling, but initially talks himself out of his apparent hunger by reminding himself that it’s night time- no one eats during the night. he is quickly disavowed of that notion when the camera pans to the sun kind of showing through the side of the curtain a little. it’s obviously morning. tails, apparently incapable of feeding himself decides to ask sonic (the titular character of the “sonic” series of bideo gamez and memorabilia by SEGA) if he is allowed to eat breakfast. perhaps they’re in some sort of strange arrangement and he has to ask permission for stuff like that. i don’t know. not my business. 

tails, still sitting in bed, runs through his list of food options in his head before deciding to ask sonic for a mcdonald’s (which is pronounced “mac danads” every time it’s mentioned which is a lot) happy meal. he then goes to sonics room to ask- and is denied. apparently tails has a record of showing his darker self in the presence of fast food. tails pleads with sonic like a dying man pleads with god. sonic, his resolve firm, continues to stonewall. tails, now on some schemey shit, threatens to blackmail sonic by posting his harry potter fan fiction. sonic, proving himself to be as flawed as any human like you or i, eventually agrees to buy tails another happy meal breakfast. the closest mcdonald’s is at the nearby mall, and you know they are in there with the quickness. 

this scene establishes the power dynamic of sonic and tails as provider and addict. 

tails is deep in the throes of addiction as evidenced by sonics reluctance to provide for them, citing past behavior, and by tails impassioned pleas that they’ll change, be better etc. after they just get one more to get well. i’m an avowed william burroughs fan, and this is right up there with his works on addiction as far as i’m concerned.

(another quick note here: the mall scenes are filmed in an actual mall. it is REALLY empty in there. youtube says it was uploaded in late august so that means more than likely this guy was screaming and flailing around with sonic and tails plushies in an empty mall during covid lockdown. it’s one of the funniest images i can think of.)

once inside the mall, tails is repeatedly seduced by the variety of other goods and services. sonic, exasperated and weak of spirit, is forced to foot the bill for anything that entertains tails for more than half a second. he repeatedly “stops” sonic (he’s riding on his back- why he doesn’t use his flying tail is left to the viewers imagination) by slamming his head into the concrete in front of the following places: 

-a “krispy kreme” donut store 

-a lego store (where they get home delivery)

-a movie theater called “vue” (“iwannawatchafunnymoovee. iwannawatchacomedymoovee.”)

after spending two hours at the movie, they finally arrive at mac danads, only to find that the “queue” (where does this dude live) is 3 hours long (?!). and the shake machine is broken. that last one is just a guess. 

in the next scene they are back at home- 

tails is horrified by the disembodied smile on the happy meal box. and refuses to open it. after he’s finally brought back from his manic episode, he says he’s too weak to open such a big box. his cravings are getting getting more violent by the second and he eventually summons strength from deep in his primal mind. 

another note here: he does all the dialogue after the happy meal box opens while chewing to simulate tails eating, creating some incredibly uncomfortable sounds. 

sonic is deep in the throes of the cycle of self loathing that defines a lot of the parasocial relationships that frame addictive behavior. he’s also hungry. i found an obvious hole in the plot here. anyway, he decides to ask tails for some of his happy meal. i found a second obvious hole in the plot here. 

tails, high out of his skull on preservatives showers sonic in abuse. he’s an infant, he’s a coward, and he’s going hungry. sonic, finally cracking from a day (and judging by tails’ behavior, many months or perhaps years) of torment at the hands of a loved one, finally cracks. quietly.

tails is tired. he’s been partying pretty hard with the happy meal. he’s asleep in a pile of filth and half eaten nuggets. he stirs from the warm syrupy sleep of a satisfied fiend. he senses something above him. it’s sonic, wearing the happy meal box. tails screams and starts to run. 

there’s a pretty cool sonic themed straight letter on the wall at this part. 

sonic chases tails to the front door. he scrambles desperately for keys. they’re gone. he’s trapped. 

sonic approaches tails slowly, savoring the fear in his eyes. in his mind, he can hear a chorus singing. 

right as he goes to strike the death blow, finally ending the life of a former best friend turned sadistic junkie tormentor, he throws off the costume and says something to effect of “i think this will teach you to not have happy meals anymore”.  the film ends and i am reminded of the time i tried to get my friend off of heroin by dressing up like a bag of “get money entertainment” stamped dope and chasing her home from K and A. may she rest in peace. 

viewing this was a very difficult experience for me.

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